God forgive us, we made cocktails using Soylent

The idea behind Soylent is simple: why waste time cooking when you can replace meals with a powdered drink? “Don’t be lame,” the concept seemed to say, “it’s the future now — food’s dumb.”

Generally, this is all well and good(-ish), but it leaves out one vital ingredient of life: getting shitfaced.

It’s terrible oversight, right? A borderline unforgivable mistake. Imagine it — waking up on Sunday without a thumping headache, dry mouth, and a deep, endless sense of shame. It hardly bears thinking about.

So, if Soylent is meant to be the nutrition of those with no time — and we needed to create an alcoholic version of it — we needed to create a drink that bought into this aesthetic. Our choice? Cocktails. Why? Well — in the immortal words of bartender Harry Craddock — because they’re meant to be drunk “quickly, while [they’re] laughing at you.”

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Tenuous? Possibly. But if there’s a way to combine the nutritious fullness of Soylent with the powerful and spiritually uplifting nature of alcohol, we’re there.

And you know what? Because we’re upstanding citizens, not only going to review these cocktails, we’re also gonna show you how to make them. We should get a government subsidy considering how much public service we’re doling out here.

Let’s meet the Soylent

In this cocktail experiment, we used some of the (then) new Soylent drinks. You can’t get these exact flavors on Amazon, so we’re going to recommend the closest available alternative — just in case you want to drink along.*

Cafe Mocha is available, but looks like it has some extra ingredients
Instead of Original flavor Soylent, why not give the Cafe Vanilla a try? It’s probably the same shit
As Cacao isn’t on Amazon, grab yourself a Cafe Chai

Now you know what we’re working worth, let’s get right into the cocktails themselves.

*We do not recommend drinking along.

#1 – The Milky Surprise (AKA let’s just put some vodka in it)

Ingredients:

One part vodka
Two parts Original Flavor Soylent

Method: Get a highball glass, add ice, pour one (or two) servings of vodka over it, and finally top off with original flavor Soylent.

This is what you’ll get, yeah, uh, delicious, yum yum

Callum’s thoughts: You know what? This one popped. Was it thick and creamy? Damn straight – it was like an alcoholic breakfast yoghurt. A boozy horlicks, if you will. It filled me with a surprising, yet revitalising, energy. Top stuff.

Sam’s thoughts: No. Despite adoring Callum’s enthusiasm, this is a White Russian gone wrong. A Grey Russian? It tasted like milk from a two-day old bowl of cereal.

#2: Espresso Soytini (AKA cram some coffee in there)

Ingredients:

One part vodka
Two parts Cafe Mocha Flavor Soylent
One part Kahlua
Espresso shot

This is how you shake it.

Method: Fill a cocktail shaker with ice, add the vodka, Kahlua, and coffee. Shake well, and serve by pouring into a… wine (?) glass. Drink quickly.

Callum’s thoughts: It didn’t seem so bad at first. There was a smooth texture, a nice coffee kick, and was actually pretty tasty – the whole thing wasn’t a million miles away from an Espresso Martini. But, the more I drank the more it felt like I was getting ill. I had to take a rest after this, it felt like I’d been drinking cement.

If you think this is a positive face, you’d be wrong.

Sam’s thoughts: Now we’re talking. That rich coffee flavour does something to mask the underlying tang of 25 vitamins and minerals. The Kahlua adds a touch of sweetness. I suddenly feel focused, on edge, and slightly drunk all at once. Maybe this is the ideal concoction to achieve a perfect Ballmer peak.

An expression that doesn’t quite match the words.

#3: Raspberry ravager (AKA please, for the love of god, stop)

Ingredients:

One part golden rum
Two parts Cacao Flavor Soylent
Raspberry cordial
Raspberry puree
Fresh raspberries for garnish

Method: Mash fresh raspberries into a puree, add cordial, rum, soylent, and ice to a cocktail shaker. Shake well, pour into champagne flute, and top with fresh raspberries.

Mash mash mash mash

Callum’s thoughts: Vile doesn’t even begin to do it justice. It has a synthetic sweetness mixed with a cacao bitterness that made me want to hurl. So horrible, the absolute worst, I feel traumatised. Vomit in a plastic flute.

To express my distaste, we put together this slideshow of me tasting the drink:

Sam’s thoughts: Admittedly the presentation needs some work — it looks like the pink slime they make Big Macs out of. But I gotta say, I’m pretty down with this one. Now it could be the fact I’m starting to feel the effects of the last two cocktails, but I’m finishing the bottle, baby!

CONCLUSION

Callum: Even though all of the ‘cocktails’ are drinks — and therefore inherently wet — after each glass my mouth felt unbelievably dry. Seemingly, my saliva glands are not up to dealing with Soylent. Taste-wise, the drinks were… okay, but this didn’t balance out the after effects. The cocktails sloshed about in my stomach for hours after, leaving me feeling weird, nauseous, and with a strange headache. In other words, these drinks all come highly recommended.

Sam: Food and alcohol have been bedfellows since the dawn of time but it turns out today, there’s a reason they’re so rarely combined ahead of consumption. My advice? Keep it old school. A cold bottle of Soylent followed by a whisky chaser is the only way to prepare for business meetings and raves alike.