Ranking the new iOS 14.5 features by how much they’ll annoy Zuckerberg

This week’s release of iOS 14.5 was a big one. Not only are there interesting new features like mask unlock and a redesigned podcast app, but Apple also went all Wild West on app tracking.

And the tech world took notice.

Facebook head honcho Mark Zuckerberg has been particularly and repeatedly critical of Apple strapping on a pair of six shooters and heading to Advert Town to protect your privacy. Of course, Apple is doing this for profit, but that doesn’t make it infuriating Facebook any less delicious.

All this means one thing and one thing only: we need to rank the new iOS 14.5 features by how much they annoy the Zuck. So that’s what we’re gonna do.

The 💜 of EU tech

The latest rumblings from the EU tech scene, a story from our wise ol' founder Boris, and some questionable AI art. It's free, every week, in your inbox. Sign up now!

Welcome, friends, to a ranking of new iOS 14.5 features based on how much they annoy Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook.

6) The new iOS 14.5 feature that annoys Zuck the least: 5G improvements

If there’s a single fact we can all agree on, I think it’s this: Bill Gates and Zuckerberg are working together to install mind control 5G chips in the wind so they can shift Mercury’s retrograde and reap the rewards we all know that brings.

These 5G improvements for iPhone 12 models are just another step in this terrible plan — and the Zuck loves it.

5) The fact you can use Siri report a road accident in Apple Maps

When your skeleton is constructed from various metal alloys and your flesh lab grown, your chance of being injured in a road incident is minimal.

But while THE ZUCK may have no need to worry about his bionic body being broken, there is one thing he can’t regrow: time. 

Admittedly, I’m uncertain if Mr. Facebook drives or is driven or uses a helicopter or flies around in tubes, but a more robust community of people reporting road issues is sure to annoy him only a minimal amount. This could actually benefit him a little.

4) The new iOS 14.5 feature that Zuck finds only moderately annoying: Mask unlock

Basically, this new feature allows people who have an Apple Watch to unlock their iPhone using Face ID… while wearing a face mask. We wrote a whole thing about how to do that here.

Of all the new iOS 14.5 features, this sounds maybe the most innocuous. I mean, what could Zuckerberg possibly find annoying about this? Well, let’s explore.

First, a simple question. What’s Facebook’s main goal? Correct: vanquishing your privacy.

If you have to take your mask off to unlock your phone, it’s allowing cameras to get a glimpse of your full face. But this new iOS function allows you to avoid that. Ergo, the machines lose and Zuckerberg is slightly irritated.

3) Siri having new, more human voices

Right, this update removes the idea of Siri having a “default” voice. Instead, now you have four English options to choose from when you set up the voice activated assistant. On top of this, the new Siri voice profiles use “Neural Text to Speech technology” to make them sound more natural and human.

This isn’t okay in Zuckerberg’s mind. In fact, this is a defiantly anti-robot move.

Everyone knows that our future overloads speak in a stilted monotone. They put the emphasis and stress on the wrong parts of words. They sound cold and reserved. Pretending otherwise is an insult to machines worldwide.

That cannot stand.

2) The app tracking and privacy features

Thought this new iOS 14.5 feature was gonna be number one, huh? WRONG.

Of course, App Tracking Transparency rolling out to phones across the world will piss off Zuckerberg a lot. The fact Facebook will no longer be able to hoover up as much data as it has is gonna hit it right in the bank balance.

But, as frustrating as it is, some things are more important that cash…

1) The new iOS 14.5 feature that has annoyed Zuckerberg the most is… THE NEW HUMAN EMOJI

The Zuck is fuming. He’s shaking. He’s enraged. He’s torn his shirt off. He’s covered his face in sunscreen warpaint. He’s at your front door. And it’s all because Apple has allowed a wider range of humans to be shown in romantic, emoij form:

This is an insult. A provocation, even. Because, in Zuck’s mind, there is only one emoji that should be allowed:

There you have it, friends: a definitive ranking of all the new iOS 14.5 features by how much they annoy Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg. You didn’t ask for it, but, by god, we delivered.